Random Thoughts

I've seen alot of people blog with this title, and never thought I would, because, well, so many other people do it. I don't like doing what other people commonly do. That's why I named my kids as I did.

But here they are.

I love my midwife. What a beautiful woman. She's been so amazing the past few weeks. I never thought I would feel a closer bond with her, then after birthing my first three. This fourth has ironically done that.

I'm 99.9% done my Christmas shopping and have not gone into debt. How amazing is that?

We held a memorial service for Hayden Jack. It was really nice, but hard. Our families came--which meant so much to us. My grandparents, Jamie's parents, his sister, brother and their families. My brother Corey and his girlfriend came, which surprised me. Even after reconciling with him, he's still....distant from the family. The only one not there was Paul, who was still in QC at basic training.
Over my years of singing, the Lord often leads me to songs. So many times I'll show up for a service and sing a song that later proves to be totally complimentary to the sermon, even though the pastor and I wouldn't have communicated. When I was carrying my children, I spent much of the 9 months thinking of what song I would sing for them at their dedications. For Jairus, I chose 'Over and Under' from the McCaughey septuplet CD. Cindy Morgan, one of my favourite christian artists composed and performed the song. For Honour, I chose 'I Am' by Nicole Nordemann. Not really a baby song, but....a lifetime song. I love it. And for Verity, I found an older Twila Paris song, off her lullaby CD, called "Your Whole Life Long". It is a faith statement for how I envision my children raised: "I pray that you will follow Him, your whole life long....".
So what song to sing for a baby that won't have his whole life long?

Well, first of all, I couldn't sing it. I knew it was going to be difficult enough to get through the service. I would just play the CD.

It's been nearly 6 months since we moved, and I'm still not completely unpacked. There was no place to set up the CD shelf and the player we've had for longer than we've been married. (Ok, it was Jamies). So the box sat down in the room that will be Jamie's office/studio. With Christmas approaching, I had decided that 6 months without music was TOO LONG. And I HAD to listen to my Christmas music. So I pulled the shelf up and set it in the living room--not and ideal spot, but it would do. And I started unpacking all the CD's. Honour was with me, and she puttered through the discs. Suddenly she spots a lullaby CD that Marlene Penman gave me at one of the kids' births. It has Precious Moments pictures all over it. Honour, of course, insisted on listening to it. I stuck it on. The first song was a remake of Mercy Me's, "I can only Imagine". I sat and listened, and thought.

I can only imagine

What it will be like,

when I walk

By Your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your Glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus?

Or in awe of You, be still?

Will I stand in Your presence,

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing Hallelujah?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

When that day comes

When I find myself,

Standing in the Son

I can only imagine,

When all I will do,

is forever--

Forever worship You

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

And then, my paraphrase of the chorus,

Surrounded by your glory, what will his heart feel?
Will he dance for you, Jesus?

Or in awe of You, be still?

Will he stand in Your presence,

Or to his knees will he fall?

Will he sing Hallelujah?

Will he be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

So I played it. I think it was real nice.

My daughter talks to herself alot. I wonder if it's because her siblings can't talk yet. Do you think I should be worried?

So we got a call from the hospital last week. It was a yucky call. The bottom line is that the pathologist claims there was nothing wrong with Hayden. Even though the nurse, and my midwife, and my mom, all saw him and felt there was something not right, the powers that be disagree.

We fought this a little. Asked for a second opinion (apparently not an option). Asked for clarification. It seems that their idea of clarification is repeating what you've already been told.

On one hand, this has an element of relief. Our boy didn't have problems like Jairus. We perhaps don't have some genetic curse coursing through our veins.

On the other hand, I don't believe it. My last ultrasound with Jairus (of seven) showed that his birth defects had 'suddenly' corrected themselves. Everyone was thrilled---except me. I didn't believe it, and good thing I didn't. Sure enough, when he was born, all was as the previous six ultrasounds had claimed. These doctors might be brilliant, educated, well studied, top of their class, holding the highest pathology position in Canada.....but they can still make a mistake. And I think one was made here.

But I don't think there's anything more we can do. And when it comes down to it, it's in the Lord's hands whether or not our next child is healthy, whether he dies too, or if he's born with problems lesser, worse then, or just like Jairus. It's out of our hands. And it's a good thing too, because it's a responsibility I wouldn't want for all the world.

I have, a perfectly wicked case of pinkeye.

I'm 32 years old, and I have PINKEYE!

It's realy brutal---my left eye was nearly swelled shut until after lunch. Forget pink, my eye is a brilliant shade of crimson. It's watering, itching, burning, hurting....

Are you feeling it yet?

(Wicked chuckle)