And if Not

Last year my brother made my mom this decorative shelf that has the words "and if not" in raised relief along the front edge. I've been meaning to type out the meaning of it for a while and make it into an attractive presentation for mom to mount near the shelf, so people can figure out what it means. I finally got around to that and was impacted anew by the story behind it.

One of the most dramatic moments of the Second World War occurred when the British army was helplessly stranded on the beaches of Dunkirk. When the German army had launched its surprise offensive into western Europe, the British had little choice but to dispatch their ill-prepared expeditionary force. Unable to stop or even slow the German advance, the tattered British force was quickly pushed across mainland until they were cornered on the shores of France. With the sea at their backs and the unstoppable Germans at their front, the British were facing certain slaughter. Desperately the expeditionary force radioed London to request an emergency rescue, but the Royal Navy simply did not have enough ships to retrieve them. It appeared that the British army would be all but wiped out before the war had really begun. Upon hearing the news, the expeditionary force radioed back a response. Three cryptic words beamed repeatedly across the English channel:

-and if not-

To the eavesdropping Germans, the message probably made little sense, but in London , they knew exactly what the words meant: “Even if we are not rescued from Hitler’s army, we will stand strong and unbowed”. The words came from Daniel 3:16-18 when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego faced down the trial of the fiery furnace. Rather than giving up and conceding to Nebuchadnezzar, they steadfastly proclaimed:

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to present a defence
to you in this matter. If our God whom we serve is able to
deliver us from the furnace blazing with fire and out of
your hand O King, let Him deliver us. And if not, be it
known that to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods
but we will…worship our God anyway”.

Thankfully there was no fiery furnace for the British that day. Upon hearing the predicament of their troops, the British people themselves responded by taking of across the channel in anything that could float, from steamers and freighters to fishing boats and row boats. Nearly 350, 000 British and Allied soldiers were delivered that day, and the event has gone down in history as the miracle of Dunkirk. All the same, those three words-their message of defiant faith-remain today as an example for all the faithful who stand steadfast in the face of tribulation.

'Lookit me, lookit me, look at what I'm drippin' with....LI-TTLE GIRLS........!'

Hello Family and Friends:

Jairus, Honour and Verity's little sister is lookin' good!!

That's right my friends, Miss Hannigan and I shall soon have something in common...dripping little girls!!

My ultrasound this morning went great. The baby was very cooperative and the tech got lots of wonderful shots, all showing a healthy little girl who already has the same cute little button nose like her sisters and brother. I'll have to see how well my picture scans in and post it perhaps.

Thank you so much to everyone who was praying and emailed with words of love and encouragement. I had a great night (free of any kiddies waking me!---the kids stayed at my parents) and was a little nervous this morning, but it was hard to tell how much was nerves and how much was full bladder! (Sorry TMI ;-)

So now my thoughts adjust, as some of you knew we thought this was a boy. Well, James thought it was a boy, I was leaning towards boy but still rather unsure. So now the name search begins! Ideas welcome.....

Today

I thought I would feel different. I worried that perhaps I'd feel down, depressed, mired in memories.

But.....I don't.

A year ago today, Hayden Jack was born. Even though I know that he had gone home long before I birthed him, for some reason, I still think of him as being 1 today. I wonder what I'll feel like when April 17th comes, his due date. That day didn't seem to have as much meaning when I passed it this year, as today does.

The baby kicks. And I smile.

The Great Escape

I've decided to do it. I'm leaving.

I can't take the pressure, the guilt, the lack of attention to the really important things in my life.

I'll give it a few days, allow people to get in touch with me one last time, and then...click, click...delete. My profile will be gone.

Now that I've hopefully freaked you out, I'm talking about Facebook. :-D

I've considered this move a few times in the past couple months, but not yet had the will power or been 100% sure of my decision. I'm pretty close to 100% now.

It's hard to go against the flow, though. I have SO many friends---and family for that matter, that are on Facebook. It's the cool thing to do! I'm 33 years old and I still want to be cool!

A few people have already expressed their dismay, but they've also been supportive and understanding. Most of them admit it's an addiction for them as well. I've certainly not been on as often or as long as I was in the spring, but I'm still on too much.

And to tell you the truth, I've just gotten tired of it. I still get the odd new friend request, and connect with someone I haven't seen for years, but overall, I'm a little bored with it. The application requests were piling up and I just didn't have the time to investigate each one and decide if I wanted to add them to my profile. I was trying to keep my profile fairly fuss-free, but I was slowly losing the battle.

On the flip side of being bored, I find Facebook overwhelming. It's a huge world and becoming huge-er by the day. Just the sheer amount of groups, discussions in those groups and posts in those discussions was becoming mind boggling. I was looking the other day at a breastfeeding group I'm in and found an interesting discussion that had hundreds of responses over the course of 3-4 days. I started reading and quickly realized it would take me at least an hour to read them all. As much as I wanted to comment on the issue, I was usure I could do so intelligently without having read all the responses. Who has an hour suddenly to sit and read though a discussion like that?

I've come to the conclusion the Facebook creates an unnatural social situation for the average person. While I can't deny the fun of catching up with a myriad of people from the last 25 years or so of my life, it quickly becomes a losing battle to actually keep up with 252 of these people. Let's consider it:
Think about how many people you actually interact with on a daily basis. Now think about on a weekly basis. Monthly? Annually?
If you're like me, the daily basis group is fairly small. Hubby, kids, perhaps parents, perhaps siblings. Weekly? Add a few more friends and most definitely the parents and siblings. Monthly? A few more friends and some extended family.
Furthermore, these groups of friends or family tend to fall into sub-groups. Close family. Extended family. Friends from work. Friends from school, church, perhaps an activity group. Sometimes they naturally fall into a rotation of connection in your life that could be weeks or months apart. I see Jamies family roughly every summer and every Christmas. I see some of my co-workers weekly, but some monthly, and then others around once per season. I think many of us are able to handle this rotation because it's not as though we see, or may feel obligated to contact ALL those people every day.

I'm just saying that I have trouble keeping up with good friends who are local, never mind mere acquaintances that I haven't seen in 10 years.

So for these and perhaps a few more minor reasons, I'm signing out of the world of Facebook. I'm not going to discount the possibility that perhaps I'll go back sometime, but that seems like it would be alot of hassle.

I'm looking forward to this small act of simplification. It's not like I'm off the internet entirely (omgsh, that could NEVER happen), I'm still here, and hopefully a little more often.

It's good to be home!

The Circle of Life

I've got a whole lot of things to update, yet not one thing in particular. I just noticed that it's been about 6 weeks since I wrote last and that's just not good for blog readership. I'll admit, part of the problem is Facebook. Maybe I should start a Facebook fast.....

I'm still slogging away at the speech problem for my son. I'm waiting to hear from the CCAC to see if he'll be approved for therapy. It's unlikely. Here's what else I'm looking into....maybe if I list it all, it'll help me keep working on them all uniformly.

• Special Services at Home: This program will give us funding that I think I could use to have a part time EA come into our home and help implement my homeschooling program. To supplement the preschool curriculum I'm using, I'm ordering a home speech therapy program from a really great site called NATHHAN. It's a wonderful resource with tonnes of articles about home educating your special needs child. Of course, I'll have to assess if the program is suitable for Jairus when it arrives. I might have to seek out some help with that.
• Tomatis: A friend took her daughter to this highly expensive and intensive therapy in Toronto that helps with audio processing disorders and many other disfunctions that Jairus shows. I'm considering applying to PC Children's Charities to see if they'll fund it for us. Otherwise, it's about 4 grand which is unmanagable for us.
• The Gregory School: This private school for "Exceptional Learners" is not far from us in Ancaster. I spoke with the principal a couple weeks ago and scheduled a visit, however, that was postponed and I haven't heard back about a new appointment. He would only attend part-time, but this school is extremely expensive. Again I thought of PC Children's Charities, but I don't think it would work for a school.
• I'm still after the CCAC and the Homeschool Legal Defence Agency may be of help. The fact is, all homeschooled children are afforded the same therapies as a public schooled child and I'm not sure where the CCAC gets off drawing a line in the sand and saying that some children can have it and some can't.
• Private therapy: I have names for two highly recommended therapists. With the money we receive for Jairus from the Association for Children with Severe Disabilities, we could swing a couple sessions a month I think. However, I wanted to use that money for a few other things for Jairus too---his cranial sacral therapy, chiropractic/Turners therapy, a special swim class and a gymnastics class. It just won't stretch.

So that's the update for Jairus.
Our dog Gideon died. Somewhat suddenly, he became ill, lost his strength and 2.5 days later died at the emergency vet clinic in downtown Hamilton. We're not sure what happened, although there's a few theories: an immune system problem where it went into 'overdrive' and started destroying his red blood cells---this could have been triggered by an infection, a virus, a reaction to antibiotics or cancer. The vet also wondered if he could have gotten into rat poison because of some markings he found on Gideons tummy. That made me wonder about his food, as we were using a brand that was part of that big recall in the spring, just not the same form. I think we'll probably never know what happened. He was eight, which was somewhat old for a Newfoundland dog, and he lived a pretty good life I think.
I'm pregnant again. I've told alot of people, so that they'll pray. I'm ten weeks, almost ll now and things seem ok. I'll see my midwife next week, so I'm looking forward to that.
Homeschooling is going not too bad. We're still not getting a full 5 days in a week. Something always seems to come up---holidays, appointments. I'm not really concerned because it is just a preschool program, which alot of homeschoolers don't even bother with. But Honour is 4 now and quite keen on learning everything. I think I'll start looking into a kindergarten program to move her up. It'll take some rearranging of the routine we've gotten used to during our schooling segments, but I suppose it'll always been changing like that as the kids grow.
James starts his first weekend away with his Basic Military Qualifications, or BMQ for short. I've not been looking forward to this. He'll leave tonight--we probably won't see him after work and he'll be gone until around lunch on Sunday, I believe. I'm not sure, but I might just go to my moms for the day tomorrow. Don't really have the gas for that though. I've just been so tired and at times, depressed with this pregnancy. I have some good days where I get alot accomplished, but many days I do nothing. The next two days look like a bleak desert stretching ahead of me.
Still trying to toilet train Jairus. He IS improving, but slowly. He can often stay dry, but bowel movements are another story. And try cleaning poop out of training pants when you're 2.5 months pregnant. Ohh yeah, it's bad. I gave up on Verity. I just couldn't do them both at once, and she was doing worse then Jairus. Makes me feel like a heel when her cousin who's a) a boy and b) a week older then her has been trained for close to a year.
 Sigh.

Very Upset

You know when you get into a confrontational situation and afterwards, you're just shaking like a leaf?
When you're angry and upset and trying to keep your cool when really you could just throw something hard?

Last year around this time, I was enrolling Jairus in a special speech school in Burlington. After meeting with the director, who used to run a speech camp that my brother Ben went to years ago, I was really pleased and felt, after much searching for the right place for Jairus, that this was it. It was very expensive, but thanks to Mvelopes, I had been able to isolate the money we recieve for Jairus' special needs and put it completely towards this endeavour. It would be just enough.
A few days after the meeting and the directors verbal assent to Jairus enrolling, I happen to remember that the topic of his lack of toilet training hadn't come up. I thought I'd better cover my bases. I emailed and mentioned that Jairus was still in diapers.

To my dismay, I got a response shortly after that they have a policy of only working with toilet trained children.
At this point, Jairus was five. He had about 5 words that he could say and be recognized. He was psych-ed assessed shortly after and appeared to be functioning at a 2.5-3 year old level. Toilet training wasn't even on the horizon. The director told me that once he was trained, we could resume the process.
I began immediately, but saw no progress. I have to admit, I could have been more diligent, but inside, I felt he was not capable at that point. It seemed a pointless battle. I hoped he would have it together by the new year....but he didn't.
I recieved one more email from the director throughout the year asking how it was going. I appreciated that she remembered but I was a little frustrated by the school's stance. Children with the kind of speech difficulties that they apparently specialized in, often have more delays then just speech. I wasn't the only one who noticed this incongruity. Other therapists and health professionals throughout the year voiced the exact same sentiment when the topic was broached. But I didn't question the school.
As summer approached, I was inspired to try again. Summer is always said to be the best time to toilet train and an entire two months would surely do the trick. I dove in with gusto. I bought more training pants. I bought a kitchen timer. I bought M&M's.

And I've been pleased to see slow but steady progress. Here we are at the end of the summer, and yesterday Jairus was dry all day long. He's even started to tell me when he needs to go, using a verbal approximation that sounds like 'Gooo'. (Lovely...)

After a few weeks of training, when I had seen enough progress to realistically hope that he'd be ready for September, I sent off an email to the school. Reminded them who I was. Talked about Jairus' progress with toilet training. Asked what program he could enroll in and what the cost was.
I heard nothing back.
After a few weeks, maybe two, I called to find out why I hadn't heard. Their voicemail message said they were away until August 27th. I was extremely disappointed, but figured that I could wait. I couldn't understand how they could run a school and not be back until so late in August. It never dawned on me that this could pose a problem.

August 27th came and went and no phone call. August 28th. On the afternoon of August 29th, I decided to call again. This time, the director hurriedly answered and insisted on calling me back as she was in meetings all day. Before she got off though, she told me that they were not offering the kindergarten program from last year and the grade 1 program was already full. She would phone me back the next day, regardless.

I got off the phone and slowly walked up to my room, kicking a blow up water ring as I went and crying from my bellybutton. My last hope for Jairus withered and died, as the air leaked out of that water ring.

By the time James got home, I was angry. How early should I have been calling to be sure he'd have a position for the fall? Was he now going to be denied for a second year?

Today, the director called me back and stated exactly the same thing she had on the phone yesterday. I had harboured a small hope that because she thought we should talk more about the issue, that perhaps they had some other kind of program he could be in. She did not. I expressed, in fairly calm tones, my frustration with the entire situation: the toilet trained policy, the long wait for a response. I asked when the class had filled up (read: if you had answered my email in July, would there have been room then?) She couldn't tell me when. She had perfectly reasonable excuses--that they had been on holiday all summer and didn't check emails (always a good practice when you're running a business), they don't have someone in the office to take care of calls and emails (and who's choice is that? Are you saying your exorbitant prices aren't enough to hire a secretary?), their daughter had a baby so they didn't come in until the 28th (ok, fine) and it had only been one day after that when I called (a day and a half).
She offered to call if anything changed and Jairus could have a spot.

I told her not to bother.

Two Parter

A little over a week week ago we came back from Camp Glenhuron, near Goderich on the shores of....indeed, Lake Huron. This year, we did music camp.

It was the first time I had been to music camp in about twenty years. Oh yes, I can say that. I was about 12 or 13 when I went to Camp Selkirk and attended the Salvation Army's Southern Ontario Divisional music camp. At least, I think that was the title....

I have some good memories of that. I did, of course, the vocal music track and sang in choirs, competed in the solo competitions. I've got a bunch of trophies and plaques sitting in a box somewhere. Honour discovered them recently and was quite proud of me. I was surprised she knew what they represented.


There's of course a few not-so-good memories of music camp. That age is so awkward and I was such a moron in alot of ways. Of course, I'm talking about boys. And that's as far as I'll go....


I was quite surprised actually to get the email a few months back asking me to be the guest vocal director for the week. It was a combined Junior and Senior music camp, which meant there would be kids from about 8 up to 18. And Selkirk was long ago sold so now it was to take place at Glenhuron. I'd never been there but the name had a vague familiarity.


I started preparations a number of weeks before the camp, gathering music from the HCC's library and scouting around for a few other pieces that would work. I was also in charge of finding and leading the 'camp chorus'---a nice song for everyone to sing as a big mass goodbye. What I didn't realize when I was looking for this song was that Glenhuron has also been sold (see the facebook group named something like "Those against camp closings" for more details). This would be the last music camp. The last camp chorus.


I was a little nervous heading into the week. I'd never been there, wouldn't know my way around. I knew a few people that would be on faculty with me, but figured there'd be alot I didn't know. And as always in the Salvation Army, I suspected there would be alot of people whom I had once known, maybe more than twenty years ago. People that I should remember, but probably wouldn't. I hate that feeling.


We left bright and early on Saturday the 28th. I had to be there for a 10am meeting and we figured it was at least a 3 hour drive. We had almost everything packed up the night before and loaded into the van. The drive was pleasantly about 1/2 an hour less, which was great because, of course we didn't leave on time.


I don't want to make a huge post here by detailing every moment of the week, so I'll skip around here.....it was an awesome week. I knew, or knew of alot of the faculty, and those I met soon felt like I'd always known them. A few acquaintences are now much closer to friend status. I reconnected with a few people I've known for years but just don't have the opportunities to see or talk with them.


I worked with a group of 13 young women and 3 faculty ladies who composed a quite satisfying womens choir. We tackled 6 pieces over the course of the week, one which we sang the morning after we got there after one rehearsal, two by midweek at an old fashioned open-air meeting and then the final three at the closing program. They were lovely and mature, talented and altogether a pleasure to work with. I invited them all to come join the HCC (!)

I ended up using a piece for the mass number by Chris Rice called Go Light Your World. I came to really love it, especially the version he himself recorded as opposed to the Kathy Troccoli version. It so happened (well, she was the one who suggested it) that my friend Sonia had many copies I could borrow. I really enjoyed teaching it---I had 30 minutes every day to work with all 120 campers and 50 someodd faculty. It was a simple enough piece and, not to be biased, but Salvation Army kids are generally superior musicians so they picked it up quickly. In four parts, no less.
It seemed a perfect ending song for camp and also for Glenhuron. But I was the outsider here. I was the newbie, the stranger in camp. And I came in bringing this song.....it was difficult to get a feel for how everyone was taking it. Did they all think it was as perfect a song as I did? They all did quite well at the final program. My husband said the audience was quite....emotional. I had my back to them, so I didn't know.
But then, we went to Mountain Citadel yesterday and I had a woman come up to me and tell me how beautiful the song was. Guess she was there. It was a nice feeling.

James had a great week with the kids as I ran around from rehearsals to theory to elective classes. Once they were into a predictable little routine (eat, trampoline, eat, swimming, eat----that was pretty much their days) they did just fine.

And it was just....camp. You know that atmosphere? That different-world feeling? That how-will-I-ever-go-back-to-my-life-of-laundry-toilet-training (oh yes, still there)and-breaking-up-fights feeling? Well, I'm back.



It's not so bad.

Part II

After spending two and a half days at home, I packed the kids up and went to Fair Havens. Mom and dad and the kids were up and James had gone to Owen Sound to do a job for the rest of the week. While I was there, I read this book....

I've been interested in natural health stuff for a while. I think it started when I met a midwife in Chicago. That's when I first learned about homebirthing and then everything progressed from there. A while after Jairus was born, I started looking around for more that could help him. When I think about it, the Lord has really placed alot of people and resources in my life pointing towards natural health. It's too long to get into now however....

This book was by a doctor named De Haan and it's called "We Don't Die---We're killing ourselves". Now, I've read a fair bit about natural nutrition over the past few years. I've read all about the pesticides and hormones/chemicals in our food, the lack of vitamins and minerals in our soils leading to devitalized fruits and veggies, the dangers of sugars, dairy, white flour. I've heard about and considered a number of natural supplements, even tried some of them. For a while there in Brantford, I was visiting the natural health store and buying reverse-osmosis water by the jugful. This was why we splurged on a water softener and r/o system in our new house. I would also buy whole wheat and grind it myself, making bread in my breadmaker. It was good, if a little crunchy. I haven't done that since we moved, so that makes it over a year.

And then a few months ago I took Honour to the family doctor. She'd been complaining of stomach pains on and off for a long while. He couldn't find anything wrong, but we suspected lactose intolerance, so we took her off regular milk and bought lactose free for her. It's hard to say if it really helped. She doesn't complain much now....unless we're in the car. She complains almost everytime we get in the car, even after only 30 seconds---much too quickly for car sickness, in my opinion. But she also has had a number of skin issues over the past year, and along with the dark circles under her eyes that my mom has always pointed out, it seems suspicious of some kind of allergy.

So back to the book. This guy De Haan encourages a complete ban on dairy and grains, with a few exceptions. I've heard the milk issue before, but not ALL of dairy. And I've never heard the grains one. I thought when I was grinding up my own flour I was doing the best possible thing. He says that 75% of the population is allergic to dairy and gluten. His suggestion is to use spelt, which is fine, I can do that. And his suggestion for milk is to use goat milk. So I picked up a litre of it last week (at $2.99) (for a litre). Jairus and Verity didn't notice. Honour didn't like it. I didn't like it.

The funny thing is that I've been seeing a naturopath in Brantford for an issue he's known to deal with quite well. He gave me his 'nutrition 101' shpeil at my last appointment and he got talking about some of the very ideas regarding the acidity and alkalinity of food that Dr. De Haan did in his book. Before that I'd never heard about it.

Sigh. I know I'm not being real clear here, and kind of jumping around. There's just too much to get into in a single post, specially since this one is already SO long! The bottom line is I should make some changes but I'm not sure I have the courage, diligence or tenacity to do any of it.

And that's where I'll stop for now.