My life as a blunder

Monday, July 17, 2006

Do you ever feel like you're just doing everything wrong?

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not depressed or morose. I'm not in a 'poor me' funk or any such thing. I don't think.

I'm really asking. Could I have it all wrong?

I got a call this morning from a lady in the city department that takes care of subsidy for pre-school. It seems that the rumours I'd been hearing about Hamilton are true. They don't pay for pre-school for special needs kids after 5 years of age, I guess 'cause they should be in school. We talked for a while and I think we're now applying for some kind of aid, but it was an interesting talk. I was trying my best not to be the mom who's special needs kid is more special than anyone else's special needs kid. I really hate to be thought of that way. But I digress.

It just became apparent that not putting Jairus into school this fall is...abnormal. And the fact that I plan to homeschool is even more abnormal--according to their system and the types of situations they usually address. The whole thing is just so confusing. If he was going into kindergarten, there would be an EA for him. And of course, we wouldn't pay a thing. So she kept...mentioning that. Not pressure, really. Just...mentioning. I just want him to do one more year of preschool, while I do a little homeschooling on his off days. He needs to be around the kids, but I don't think I can jump into the homeschooling world in a big enough way by September to get him around enough kids the same way. And he's still at a pre-school level with so much of his functioning--it really is the best place for him. Pre-school kids generally don't treat him badly. Kindergarten would be a different story, I'm convinced.

And so I doubt, and question myself. Am I doing the right thing?

Honour is not herself. It concerns me. It's been two weeks now since we've moved and she's displaying a few weird physical symptoms and some emotional ones too. My mom suggested I get her blood tested. Her colour's off. She's got dark circles under her eyes. Perhaps she's anemic. Not enough vitamins. Well, of course, I think, it's not like we eat enough fruits and vegetables around here. I should get her on a multi-vitamin. I should, I should, I should.
And the crazy worries start up. I heard a Focus broadcast a number of weeks ago about families dealing with kids with cancer. Those symptoms are often weird. Do I really want to get her blood tested? What if they find something really wrong? Of course, what are the chances? Miniscule, I'm sure. But our family's already experienced the odds once. PRS is one in 10,000.

So for lunch, I made pancakes. I put some of Jairus' special organic rice protein into the mix and grated up a peach in there too. Now if I only had used whole wheat flour, I'd have covered all the bases.

I was reading some blogs and took in some photos of Pernells new house. He's the pastor of a good friend of mine, who just happened to have moved the same day we did. They've got three kids too, but a little older.
Beautiful house, some shots look like a decorating magazine. How did they get their house to look like that in two short weeks? And they've already had a big housewarming party. I don't even have one room totally completed. Maybe they didn't do any repainting and stuff. Maybe.

Or maybe I'm doing something wrong. (Like sitting here blogging when I could be putting my house together?)

And as I sit, Verity is screaming in her crib. I don't really go for the cry-it-out method--somewhat philosophically opposed to it. And yet, I put her in there, and I'm ignoring her. She's tired. It's time for her nap. And unfortunately, we've gotten into a nurse to sleep habit lately that I just don't want to prolong. And so I'm letting her scream. And feeling bad about it. It's not like she's a wee babe anymore. She's nearly 14 months old. This WON'T hurt her.

I think I've got strep again. Or never got rid of it. So back to Brantford I go this afternoon because a)I like my family doc there and b) I doubt if I can find a new one here anyway. I'll ask him about testing Honour's blood.

Maybe he'll just say no.

But you know, I was questioning something else this weekend. More like assessing. My younger sister Emma and her friend were asking me about this movie that was being showed at camp call Left Behind III. Emma wanted to know what the story was all about. In the process of explaining it, other definitions of the christian faith came into the conversation, and I tried to be sensitive to her friend who has a little church background, but that would be all.
And so later, I was thinking over what I said and wondered what there is about God and Jesus and Christianity to attract a 12 year old girl. So I asked myself. Why am I a follower of Jesus?
And here's why:
>No matter what happens here on earth, my eternity is covered. If Jairus never speaks, if Honour has some terrible illness, if Verity hates me for letting her scream in her crib, I will still see Jesus when I die and spend eternity with him. And there, Jairus will talk. Honour will be fine and Verity will forget all about her crib.
>Following Jesus will not guarantee me a problem-free life, but what it does guarantee is Someone to walk through those problems with me. Lending me his strength and assuring me that no matter what, he loves me. I'm not alone.
>And yes, as my sister was asking, I could do whatever I wanted with my life and then just ask for forgiveness, or accept Jesus' gift of eternity on my deathbed--if I was that fortunate to have a deathbed, or foreknowledge of my demise. However, why would I want to miss out on the blessings that God does award down here? I've learned that all those 'rules' we're asked to live by are only extensions of natural law and breaking them has natural consequences. While I'll never say that the all rotten things we're handed in life are consequences of breaking God's laws, some of them are. And some of the blessings we experience are the natural consequences of following those laws.

Have I said the word 'consequences' enough?

I really didn't mean to sermonize. But I did hear a pretty good one yesterday. The kind that makes you look deep in your heart and discern if you're doing it right....or all wrong.

I won't say all wrong. But there's always room for improvement. And that's inspiring.


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